he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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