omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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