cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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