I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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