This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
