When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
