At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
We need to rekindle our bromance
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
