Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
