Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
