the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
