If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The Olympian is in my bed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
