We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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