I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
