You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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