Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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