Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
