Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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