My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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