MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
