I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
