I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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