I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
