omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I cockslap morals
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
