Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like death gave me a hand job
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
