The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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