I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
