"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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