90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
