did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
