My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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