The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
