I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
