remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
