it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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