your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
