if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
