I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
