I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
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You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
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One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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