Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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