Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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