I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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