If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
