he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
