i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
