Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Houston, we have a blender
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we're so committed to being not committed
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
