theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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