Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
