My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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