can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
