i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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