jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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