Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
