Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
