I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
