no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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