If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
