Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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